That’s where I’m headed this time around. And, evidently, I’m not alone. Maybe the only answer is not to vote.

Let bhoyears = Obama’s age (46)
Let jsmyears = McCain’s age (71)
Let dumshit = Obama’s IQ
Let dipshit = McCain’s IQ

bhoyears + jsmyears = 117

If (bhoyears + jsmyears) > (dumshit + dipshit) where does that leave us?

Take the poll here.

In a surprise announcement today, both McCain and Obama have chosen their running mates. And they are… each other. That’s right. The Democrat ticket will be Obama/McCain and the Republicans will field McCain/Obama. Hopey-dopey and loose change have jumped aboard the straight talk oblivion express. Welcome to the new dawn of bipartisanship. Let’s all get green and sing Kumbaya!

Both Senator Obama and I promise we will end Washington’s stagnant, unproductive partisanship.

I believe John McCain is a good man and a genuine American hero. And we honor his half-century of service to this nation.

Realizing that their simultaneous declarations render the existing political party system obsolete, the candidates have made it their top priority to address this crisis and pick a name for the new, unified party. During the late, unlamented time of dissension and discontent, I’ve often used the terms Republicrats and Demolicans. Others have suggested Demopublicans, Demonrats, Repubicans, and Replicrats. What’s needed now in this new age of glorious unification, though, is a single name for the single party forged from two indistinguishable yet formerly separate groups.

Perhaps the “Picayunification Party”? Well, no matter; because reliable sources inform me that, should the nomenclature decision remain unmade when the candidates assume office in January, they will appoint a blue ribbon, bipartisan commission with a bare-bones budget of between 450 and 750 billion dollars to study the issue and present a report with recommendations within the first 100 days. This report will include state-of-the-art graphics in several pleasing pastel colors; primary colors (and primaries, for that matter) no longer being favored (except for green) since, well, they are simply too divisive. And neither President Obamacain nor Vice President Obamacain will allow divisiveness.

As you astute readers might have guessed from the previous sentence, they have also decided to merge their names in a symbolic gesture to “face down individualism.” Even though we’ve already barely survived a co-presidency (Bill/Hill Clinton/Clinton), we should remain undaunted and “get our minds right” as our dear leaders carry the concept to a magnificent new mountaintop of oneness. Yes, we welcome a new era of melding with our President-elect and Vice President-elect, John-Bar Obamacain. We are the world.

Let the green nightmare begin.

S.3036
Title: A bill to direct the Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency to establish a program to decrease emissions of greenhouse gases, and for other purposes.

I shudder to think what those “other purposes” might be. As if kneecapping the American economy were not enough. If you’re looking for a few hours of amusement, you can read the entire text of the proposed legislation here.

Lieberman scolds, “While the Senate fiddles, the globe warms.”

Here’s to more fiddling. And to partisanship. Partisanship and fiddling might be all that stands now between us and tyranny. A thin line of defense, to be sure, but “never say die while there’s a shot in the locker.”

1. Always bicycle or walk
2. Never use an automobile
3. Never fly in an airplane
4. Domicile in an apartment…
5. …with more than 4 other people
6. Have relatively low energy bills…
7. … for electricity generated by hydro or “green scheme” (whatever that is)
8. Always recycle and compost waste
9. Never eat meat
10. Spend less than $10,000 per year…
11. …and spend it entirely on so-called “ethical investments” to the exclusion of “planet-slaying” things like:

• eating
• drinking
• clothing
• transportation
• rent
• going out

By making this simple transition to a sub-third world subsistence existence, I will be permitted by Professor Schpinkee to live forever. I am somewhat unclear on how this will work, since eliminating eating and drinking would seem to have at least a bit of a deleterious effect on my longevity. But, no matter, this “green” lifestyle will suck about 15 tons of CO2 out of the atmosphere and that’s really all that counts for anything, isn’t it?

Have the greenaloons at the Australian Broadcasting Corporation finally jumped the shark? Or has the indoctrination of children become pervasive enough to prove the validity of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin’s statement, “Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted.”

O villain, villain, smiling, damnèd villain!
My tables—meet it is I set it down
That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain—

Yes, indeed, we’re all about service here, aren’t we? Who’s in charge of the cookbook?

On a related note, perhaps the burning question of “boxers or briefs” can be answered here.

• Absolution for white guilt provided here.

Proclamation of Amnesty and Pardon Granted to All Persons of European Descent

Thank you, Dr. Williams, for your generosity!

• Carbon footprint enlargement ideas found here. I might be able to work up a better belch by June 12, Carbon Belch Day, but as of now, this is it:

My Carbon Belch:

Your one-day Carbon Belch has been calculated at: 75 pounds of CO2.
Nice job! (The average American’s belch is 41 pounds.)

Thanks to you, we have calculated a cumulative total of 71,038,093 pounds of CO2 set to be released on Carbon Belch Day.

Take the pledge and belch. We’ll all feel better.

If Barack Obama had given a speech on bowling, it might well have been brilliant and inspiring. But instead he actually tried bowling and threw a gutter ball. The contrast between talking and doing could not have been better illustrated.

Video proof: Barry’s a lefty.