Great leap backward…

postponed. The Lieberman-Warner Climate Security Act of 2008, also known by its more descriptive name hereabouts as the American Impoverishment Act, has been frozen for the time being by a filibuster threat.

S.3036
Title: A bill to direct the Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency to establish a program to decrease emissions of greenhouse gases, and for other purposes.

I shudder to think what those “other purposes” might be. As if kneecapping the American economy were not enough. If you’re looking for a few hours of amusement, you can read the entire text of the proposed legislation here.

Lieberman scolds, “While the Senate fiddles, the globe warms.”

Here’s to more fiddling. And to partisanship. Partisanship and fiddling might be all that stands now between us and tyranny. A thin line of defense, to be sure, but “never say die while there’s a shot in the locker.”

I can live forever!

All I have to do is:

1. Always bicycle or walk
2. Never use an automobile
3. Never fly in an airplane
4. Domicile in an apartment…
5. …with more than 4 other people
6. Have relatively low energy bills…
7. … for electricity generated by hydro or “green scheme” (whatever that is)
8. Always recycle and compost waste
9. Never eat meat
10. Spend less than $10,000 per year…
11. …and spend it entirely on so-called “ethical investments” to the exclusion of “planet-slaying” things like:

• eating
• drinking
• clothing
• transportation
• rent
• going out

By making this simple transition to a sub-third world subsistence existence, I will be permitted by Professor Schpinkee to live forever. I am somewhat unclear on how this will work, since eliminating eating and drinking would seem to have at least a bit of a deleterious effect on my longevity. But, no matter, this “green” lifestyle will suck about 15 tons of CO2 out of the atmosphere and that’s really all that counts for anything, isn’t it?

Have the greenaloons at the Australian Broadcasting Corporation finally jumped the shark? Or has the indoctrination of children become pervasive enough to prove the validity of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin’s statement, “Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted.”

The problem is…

that, evidently, there were pieces left intact after a soldier used a koran for target practice in Baghdad. That is simply unforgivable.

This is how it’s done.

More instructional videos and sensitivity training may be found here.

UPDATE: May 20 — I’m sorry, so sorry. Oops, not sorry: deeply concerned, though. Developing…

How will you celebrate Exploit-the-Earth Day?

Perhaps I shall combine all my trash, be it glass, paper, plastic, whatever, into a single garbage can without even so much as a passing thought to consider dividing it up into separate bins. My little town provides recycling containers. I have a bright red one. I use it as a cover for a pail of sidewalk de-icing salt. Works fine. I guess you could say I’ve recycled my recycling bin.

Gosh, golly, imagine if everyone would do this; we could cut the number of garbage trucks on the road in half. Save the Earth: Stop Recycling Now!

But wait! This just in: Wind farms are a-comin’ — I’ll just set my bright red recycling bin underneath one of these avian Cuisinarts and collect pâté. Hot off the wing.

Google wants to know what I will do for Earth Day. I told them.

UPDATE: 4/23 — Apparently Google was unimpressed with my suggestions. However, some of the other ideas are pretty funny. I wonder how these slipped by the Google greenie gatekeepers?

From Jody in Slovenia: Use an old fashoned encyclopedia instead of google so the server farm energy useage falls.

From Don in Slovenia: Light a wood burning fire and turn down the A/C to 68.

Gotta love those Slovenians!

Are You Still Among the Living?

Ever start feeling separated from life and the world around you? Some would call it a blessing, others a curse. See how it all depends upon one’s perspective and perception; it’s all in our head and you only watch the parade outside, take in what you see, process it through a bunch of acquired filters and then, miracles of miracles, form an opinion about what kind of thing or experience it is and whether or not it’s good or bad. Stretch those brain cells and you’ll discover there is no such thing as a common, shared reality.

Now, regarding being among the living, here are some ways to verify (with certainty) that you are dead, dead, dead.

1) Notice that as you walk down the street no one says, “Hi,” or “Hello,” or, “Get fucked,” no words, no smile, nothing.

2) Store clerks stop saying, “have a nice day,” and just don’t say anything.

3) People you consider good friends don’t pick up their phone and call you any more.

4) You hear the words, “Paper or plastic?” That’s just your soul listening in on a funeral home conversation regarding whether your remains belong in a sturdy cardboard casket or a body bag.

5) You sit next to someone on public transit (like the San Francisco Bay Area BART system) and the person next to you doesn’t even look in your direction. It sort of reminds one of the movie Ghost.

6) No one ever returns a call you leave in their voice mail (that does it for just about all of us).

7) Final item–you find yourself writing and reading shit like this.

You don’t need to score all 6 to be dead as two or three will suffice. So, buy yourself a wreath, go home and wait for the reaper. He will be along shortly.